How To Handle The Hot Sting Of Rejection

Ouch, it burns.

There is nothing in this world that feels more personal than a rejection. It starts off as a sharp stab to the chest then makes its way into the stomach, causing uneasy feelings of unworthiness. We’ve all been there before, I’m sure.

When I was applying to universities during my senior year of high school, I received more rejections than acceptations and my self esteem plummeted each time I was forced to realize that I wasn’t chosen. Avoiding rejection letters and sometimes even lashing out to admissions staff, I’ve always had an issue with handling the emotional turmoil I felt from rejection. I had also always been rejected by boys during my teenage years as well, it was never easy to be told, ‘No, I don’t want you” by boys I idealized and looked up to. It was already hard enough handling the hormones and mood swings teenagers face and it certainly did not help with my self esteem as each rejection hit closer to home.

In my adult years, the fear of rejection only ignited as I’d been rejected by internships, job applications, and even more men. It all came raining down on me, the flashbacks of emotional pain I faced as a kid, the schools that didn’t find me impressive, and the boys who never gave me a chance. My mental health was on a decline as I truly believed that I was lacking something in myself. Depression consumed my everyday life, rejection made me set lower expectations for myself and I fell into the habit of learned helplessness. Learned helplessness is the condition in which a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness arising from persistent failure or rejection to succeed.

My fear of rejection and failure became so debilitating that life was hardly ever enjoyable. I never took chances, never left my house, or even had a grain of confidence that I could ever be successful. It was only when I hit rock bottom that I began to understand the severe effects my fears were having on my life. I felt like a scared child in a grown woman’s body and I no longer wanted to live my life afraid. I knew I was no longer a kid and had to take responsibility for my life choices. So, I took it upon myself to go on this journey and return feeling less insecure and unworthy.

First, I began to understand that not all rejection is personal. This was an important distinction to make early on because it set the differences between “There is something wrong with me vs. There is room for improvement.” I used to believe that being rejected by my top schools were an indication of my flaws and weaknesses. However, I began to understand that everyone faces rejection in their lives and it doesn’t determine self worth. Maybe my application weren’t as strong as others, but that didn’t mean there was something wrong with me. All those boys who used to reject me, I now feel glad that I never got involved with them in the first place. I realized that I may not have been their type, but I will be somebody else’s. Slowly, I started to become more rational in my thinking and understand that it’s not always about me.

Second, instead of reacting negatively towards rejection, I began to take a softer approach. I started to take time to process my feelings and really give myself the space to either vent, rant, or even ask for advice. I used to always react emotionally toward rejection and take it personally which then led to harsh criticism and negative self-talk. There are still days where I feel gloomy and ruminate on past hardships and failures but I snap out of the funk rather quickly because I now know better. I now realize that the world isn’t against me and once again, not everything is about me.

Lastly, I learned to handle constructive criticism. I did this by understanding that there are people out there who genuinely want to help you and give you tips and sometimes that means pointing out your flaws and weaknesses. Not being able to hear the truth about yourself is what denial is and that’s a dark place where self improvement is nearly impossible to achieve. Taking criticism and applying it to your life and ultimately, growing your mind, body, and soul is what life is all about. Everything is an experience, good or bad and that’s something to be grateful for in itself.

At the end of the day, you have more control over your emotions than you think and growth is possible. It takes courage and strength to face your biggest fears and confront them head on, ready to become one step closer to the best version of yourself so I challenge everyone to take that step forward.

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